Okay, so warning - this may offend some of you, because I'm sure that some of you have done this in the past, but I feel that this post is something that needs to be said. So, here goes...
Am I the only one that thinks that it is tacky and inapporpriate to hand out invitations to personal parties during church? I'm sorry, but this is a pet peeve of mine.
Confession: I, myself, have done this once - ONCE - it was for a baby shower. I was uncomfortable with it the whole time and swore I would never do it again, and for good reason.
Devil's Advocate: Now, I know why people do this - postage is expensive, so hey, why not save some money on stamps and just hand them out at church? ("gee, I just don't get why people think mormons are cheap?")
Here's why this is a TERRIBLE idea: Are you inviting the entire ward? Didn't think so. And isn't there just the smallest chance that some of the people that you didn't invite might see you going around slipping people envelopes and think "I wonder what that's for?" and then wonder why they don't get one? And then feel nice and excluded? Yeah, I'm guessing there's a good chance of that.
Now, I bet by this point you are thinking that these are the bitter rantings of someone who has recently been one of "those" unfortunate people - the uninvited. Not so. I just really don't like it. No matter how it's done, it's not appropriate in a place that is supposed to be welcoming and open. If it's done discreetly, it's all secretive and hush hush: "here - don't let anybody see this", and if it's not discreet it's even worse: "Here's one for you, and one for you, and one for you...oh, not for you, though".
As I've said, I've never liked this practice, but in the last few months it has really touched a nerve for me because TWICE now my daughters have had their feelings hurt because they saw a bunch of other kids getting the prized envelopes, and not received one themselves. (Cue in mother bear...)
The first time was in the fall and was especially awkward. The girls and I were just leaving church when a little girl rushed up to Maria and Josephine saying "Oh, we have an invitation for you, for my party!" So the girls and I stopped and waited for her to hand them the invitation. Her Mom grabbed her arm and was all "NO! Wait a minute, just WAIT a minute" The mother just sat looking at me like a deer in headlights, and then avoided further eye contact and kept stammering "um, just wait a minute, honey" to her daughter as they walked away. So I sat there for a few seconds like a dummy, and then it hit me "Oooooh, they aren't really invited and she doesn't know what to say...". Yeah, talk about awkward. A few dollars in stamps could have saved her a lot of embarrassment and spared my girls' feelings who just kept saying "But Mom, she said we were invited - how come we're not invited?".
The second time was more recently. Someone was handing out invitations during Primary of all things, with all the kids there watching! Um, HELLO!! I heard two or three kids say "Hey, I want mail! How come they get mail and I don't?" Josephine saw it and said to me "Mommy, are those invitations to a party? Are we going to get one?" Maria just gives me this look (too smart for her own good). Now, seriously, what the heck am I supposed to say to that?
Disclaimer: I am not one of those ultra-liberal feel-good parents who thinks that kids should never have to suffer disappointment. I don't think that all the teams should get a trophy, even if they stink, and I don't think that all students should get awards at the end of the school year ("Oh honey, you got an award for 'Most Improved in Coloring in the Lines - I'm so proud!!") . And I don't think my daughters should be invited to every social event in the ward (that is just silly). BUT, being publicly excluded from a group is different, and don't kid yourself - the church building is public. I am an adult who can take life's punches with the best of them, but I have to tell you, I know what it feels like to feel "left out" of something that I thought I would be included in (as I'm sure you all have), and it's NOT a nice feeling. And it certainly should not be felt at church, of all places.
Moral of the Story: If you are throwing a party, you are NOT obligated to invite the entire ward (that is not the point of this post). BUT you should keep your invitations as private as your party. Unless you are inviting everyone to your event, don't hand out the invites at church. It openly excludes people, hurting feelings and making you look rude and thoughtless, even if you are a super nice person and that is not your intention. If you don't have the cash for stamps, send out an email or a freakin' Evite - they're FREE, for crying out loud! Okay, rant over ;)
7 comments:
A-MEN! I never understood why people would ever think this was a good idea, or how it could possibly avoid hurt feelings. And especially if it involves kids! Great post.
Amen x gazillions. Agreed completely!
Yeah, I agree. Our ward has about 100 kids under the age of 10, so you can imagine how many parties there are. I'm glad everyone isn't always invited! And it seems that most of our invites are evites anyway. I guess that could change with older kids, but it seens that if you can afford to have a party with a bunch of kids then you can afford the postage.
Are there really 45 of these, or do you just pick a random #?
And yes, I agree.
About the 1st example-how awkward. You'd think to smooth it over, the mom would've just let them be invited and have fun with the rest of them. Were they having the b-day party at some expensive place and just couldn't afford more kids? Still awkward. Perhaps she could've at least said something and not just let you stand there waiting. AND, sad that the little girls was all excited to invite them and couldn't.
I've given people thank you notes in church for something nice they've said/done for me...I hope no one thought they were invites.
I completely agree with everything you've said here! It's been a long time since I've been to church, but man it's a feeling I remember all too well.
I'd even take it a step further and say that it's kind of crappy to talk about social gatherings outside of church while you're at church. I can remember way too many times where I stood there and everyone around me was gushing about the "Moms Night Out" from Friday night or the awesome baby shower from the day before.
Um... hello?? Yeah, hi, I'm Mrs. Uninvited- nice to meet you too! Lucky for me, it's really difficult to hurt my feelings, but I know a lot of people who have been in situations like that and completely stopped going to church over it. Fellow-shipping really is important, especially with new or less active members who are struggling.
Good point. I hate it if I ever make someone feel left out. I would hate for it to be a sweet little kid.
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