And this is beauty...

I was...apprehensive about having a fourth baby - and that's putting it lightly.  It was more like dragging my heels as hard as I could.  Lou was sure that he wanted another child - I...was not.  I felt like I was already pushed to my limits with three, and I really wasn't interested in being sick for 8-9 weeks again, stretching out my belly again, going through postpartum yuckiness again, more diapers, more sleepless nights, etc.  I just wasn't feelin' it.

And yet, I knew that I would.  I had felt very strongly since the day Edward was born that he was not the last, and through all of my whining to Lou about all the reasons that we should stop at three, I knew deep down in my heart that, in the end, I would have another baby.  I was just in denial.  SERIOUS denial. 

I prayed about it all the time, and had confirmation after confirmation that our family was not yet complete, but I kept arguing with Heavenly Father.

I even had a few very strong, very personal spiritual experiences that let me know for sure that I would have another baby, and yet I still found myself very resistant to the idea.

It got to the point where the promptings were just so strong that I couldn't really ignore them, and so I took a leap of faith and went for it.  I was secretly hoping that it would take me awhile to get pregnant (although it never has in the past) so that I would have some time to get used to the idea.  No dice.  I got pregnant on our second try.

I knew that I was pregnant before I even took a pregnancy test.  I just knew.  My symptoms started really early (the excessive fatigue and bathrooms trips, being extra hungry, etc.) and I started panicking about the possibility of being pregnant.  I felt like someone had talked me into going on some crazy roller coaster ride, and here I was, strapped in and ascending the first hill and screaming "Wait, wait, WAIT!!  I changed my mind!!  I want to get OFF!  I'm not ready for this yet!!"  But alas, it was too late - the deed was done, and there was no turning back now!

But something very special happened the day that I missed my period (and knew that Tommy was on his way, because I am NEVER late).  I woke up very early for no apparent reason - at about 6am.  Lou was not there because he was out salmon fishing.  I looked out our window and saw that the whole sky bright with color - a breathtaking sunrise was taking place.  I had a very strong prompting that I should go outside - RIGHT THEN.  So I did.  I threw some clothes on and some flip flops and shuffled outside, half awake, while all of my kids slept soundly.  I walked out onto our street (it's a quiet dead end, so this was not an unusual thing to do) and gasped as I saw the sky toward the east, where the sun was rising.  It was by far the most beautiful sunrise I had ever seen - huge swirls of brilliant pink and fiery orange and yellow in the most amazing patterns, stretching across the sky far and wide.  It looked unreal, like a painting by an incredible artist on the biggest canvas in the world.  I was overwhelmed by it's beauty, and at that moment the spirit hit me so strongly as these words came into my heart:  "There is beauty in all things.  This is a very special time in your life, as beautiful as this sunrise, but - like this sunrise, it will only last for a short while, and then it will be over.  Enjoy this season of your life - cherish it."  I knew that this was in reference to my childbearing years, and if you look at how long we live - it's true.  The time in our lives that we as women spend growing, giving birth to, and raising babies is a very brief period in the grand scheme of our lifespan.  And just like a lovely sunrise, the time is intense and amazing, but fleeting.  I was so grateful for this revelation, and would look back on it many times during the next few months to get me through.

You see, I went through a very rough first trimester, emotionally speaking.  I suffered from prenatal depression pretty badly (and yes, prenatal depression is a real term - google it. :).  The 1st trimester hormones were very rough on me, and I spent a LOT of time crying when I was alone.  I was afraid of my dark thoughts, afraid that I would never feel normal again, terrified that I wouldn't love my baby when he/she was born.  I prayed for strength constantly, and looked back on my special sunrise morning frequently to give myself perspective.

I was afraid to tell Lou how I was feeling, because I was a bit ashamed and afraid of being judged as a terrible mother (because what kind of mother feels like she doesn't want her baby?!), but when I finally did, he assured me that I wasn't a bad mother, and that it was just the hormones and morning sickness.  He promised me that I would feel better when the second trimester began and the hormone levels calmed down and stabilized.

Thankfully, he was right.  Somewhere around 15 weeks (which is also when I was finally able to stomach eating something other than toast), I started to feel, well, excited!  I was suddenly eager to share our news (up until then I had kept it a state secret), and looked forward to feeling the baby kick.  I felt like I had spent 2 1/2 months in a dark cave, and had suddenly found my way out into the sunlight, basking in its warmth and comfort.  It was a wonderful feeling to feel like "me" again. 

And six months later, I met the newest love of my life...

...and as I held this fourth miracle in my arms, I had to wonder - how could I have ever not wanted this?

A friend of mine recently said to me - "We often talk about comforting babies - we rarely speak of how much they comfort us."  I love that, because it is so true.  What is it about holding a newborn baby that feels so amazing?  I feel like it soothes your very soul.

I love these two pictures for two reasons:
#1) I love how they show that smushed up lip thingy that newborns do - LOVE IT.
#2) If you look closely, you can see that he is so new in these pictures (only 1 week old) that he still has that peeling newborn skin (look at his hands).  When that layer of skin goes, so does their "new baby smell". Ahhh - memories... :)

The second of these two pictures is the one I chose as our announcement picture.  My sister Dana told me that she loved this one because he looks "literally like an angel sent down from heaven".  And it's true - don't these pictures just make you want to snuggle him?

Baby feet - ooooh, how I love them!

My mom gave Thomas a really weird compliment when he was brand new.  "Oooohhh!!!  He has perfect little ears!  There are so nicely shaped!"  She practically squealed with delight at this.  I later told one of my sisters that I thought this was an odd compliment, to which she replied - "Not really, there are some really crazy looking ears out there - some of them stick out really bad and look really funny".  Well, I guess so - I never thought about it before.  But I guess Tommy's are pretty cute. :)

I love this shot because if you look, you can see that fine lanugo hair on his face and shoulders and back - that tell-tale "I am BRAND NEW" downy hair.  Like the peeling skin and newborn smell, this doesn't last long, but it's one of my favorite things about newborns.

This is what I lovingly call the "puddle of goo" phase, when they just kind of mold into whatever position you put them in, when they seem to just melt into your body when you hold them...aaahhhhh - I love newborns...

This series of pictures makes me smile - I just love the random expressions captured here - the sweet little baby pouty lips, the cute little pursed lips, and those early "smiles" (that we all know are not really smiles - more like gas and/or newborn twitchiness, but they are adorable anyway!).

And as I look at these pictures again and at my little baby boy everyday, I remember again those words that came into my heart over a year ago as I gazed on that breathtaking sunrise - "there is beauty in all things".

I am so glad that I looked past my fears and put my faith first and followed the prompting to expand our family.  It was NOT easy (and neither are the sleepless nights that we are experiencing right now!), but it was the right thing for our family.  And as I get to know the sweet spirit of little Thomas and how he fits into our family - yes, I see the beauty. :)    

P.S.  These pictures were taken by a sweet sister in our ward who, as you can see, does amazing work.  She did it for free as a baby gift, and I am so grateful to her for taking time out of her day to give me some beautiful pictures of our sweet little boy that have captured forever this special and fleeting phase of his babyhood.  Thank you, Sami!