The Terrible Mother Story #2

[Warning:  This is kind of long - I'm a terrible editor]

So this is the second, yes, the SECOND time that I have been called a terrible mother.  I'm starting to get a little self-conscious here...

The first time was at Virginia Beach, when our family was on vacation 2 years ago.  I told the story in this blog post.

The second time was last fall, while I was at the farmer's market with my kids.  It was a typical fall day at the farmers market - wall to wall people, everyone shuffling along at a snails pace.  I had all four kids with me, Maria and Josephine at my side, Edward in our old beat up stroller that he lovingly calls "big blue", and Thomas on my chest, in the Beco.  We were in the first covered building, and I had stopped at one of my favorite stands (run by two adorable older ladies) to pick up the last of the peppers and cucumbers of the season.  The girls were further down the table, checking out the summer squash.  I couldn't reach the peppers very well, so I stepped a step away from Edward and the stroller and started picking out some red peppers.  Now, let me say this - he was within arms reach of me.  No further away then if he were in a grocery cart at Wegmans and I had moved two steps to grab a box of cereal.  I could still reach out and touch the handle of the stroller.  Why do I tell you all this?  You'll see.

So, I finished up purchasing all the fresh veggies, stepped back toward the stroller, put the food in the storage basket and we started slowing making our way down the aisle.  It was so packed that we were barely moving.  I had taken maybe three steps when a middle-aged woman in the center aisle called out to me:

"Excuse me".

"Yes?"  I responded.

"Are you aware that you left your son completely unattended over there?"

"What?"  I asked, confused.

"You left him all alone and were paying absolutely NO attention to him at all.  Someone could have easily just walked off with him and you never would have even noticed"

Now, at this point, I was not only confused about what she was saying, but a little miffed.  Because I hadn't left him alone - like I said, I was within arms reach of him.  No, I wasn't gripping the stroller handle to keep him in place, but I was RIGHT THERE.  I could see him.  I could reach him.  It's not as though I walked to the other side of the building or something.  And I was really wondering at this point what exactly she expected me to say in response.  Was I supposed to say I was sorry?  Well, caught off guard and not really sure how to respond, I said:

"Um, I'm sorry I worried you?"

And yes, I said it kind of like a question, because I was really weirded out by her judgmental comment, and I was trying to NOT say something like "Why don't you mind your own business, lady?"  I didn't want to set a bad example for my kids by responding to her rudeness with more rudeness on my part.   

Her response?

"Well, I think you're disgusting", with this look of repulsion on her face that said "you are a complete scumbag and don't deserve to be a mother".

Now, this whole thing took place while I was shuffling along.  My jaw kind of dropped at this one.  Had she REALLY just said that?  In front of my kids?!  The boys were of course completely oblivious, but both the girls had heard her loud and clear.  I didn't know what to say to that (well, I couldn't think of anything without profanity in it, anyway), and we just kept on walking.  The girls both had a concerned look on their faces, and Josephine looked up at me and asked "Mommy, why did that lady talk to you that way?"  Before I had a chance to answer, Maria, very angry, responded, "Because she's RUDE, Josephine, and doesn't know how to mind her own business!".  She was really upset by it, and I tried to explain to them that some people think they are helping by criticizing, and they don't realize how mean it can sound when they say it.

I said this in a calm voice, but inside, I was fuming.  How dare this woman say something so hateful to me, not only in public, but right in front of my children?  What the heck is wrong with people?  And why do I seem to attract these Nazi-type old bags who feel the need to not only judge me as a mother in just 30 seconds of observation, but also to tell me just how crappy they think I am as a human being?  I could feel my face getting all hot and the anger rising more and more, like I was about to explode (temper, temper, Robyn!).  I had tried to take the high road by just saying that I was sorry that I had worried her, but no, that wasn't enough.  She had to tell me that she thought I was disgusting?  Not that my behavior was bad, but that I, personally, was a disgusting mother.

I know it shouldn't have mattered, but it was all I could think about the rest of our trip at the market.  I was so upset, and bounced back and forth between wanting to cry, and wanting to go give that woman a piece of my mind.

Well, any of you who know me well know which option I chose...

I just couldn't leave it alone.

Now, this story would be great if it ended up that I got my two cents in and she felt soooo ashamed and I got to feel all sorts of vindicated.  That's not how it went down.

I went back there and said something to the effect of:

"What is wrong with you?  Why would you say something like that to someone?  I was right there, right next to him.  He wasn't in any danger.  I know how to take care of my children, and how dare you imply that I don't.  I'm disgusting?  I'm disgusting?  What kind of person insults someone that they don't even know?  What kind of a person calls a mother 'disgusting' right in front of her kids?!  The only thing 'disgusting' thing that happened here today was what you did - being judgmental, and being so disrespectful to a complete stranger, right in front of her young children.

The thing is, when you talk to people like this lady - they are not reasonable people.  They don't admit when they are wrong or feel bad for behaving poorly.  It never plays out like it does in your head or on TV.  It's not gratifying.  They don't sit there in stunned silence, giving you the satisfaction of having set things straight.  No matter what you say, they defend themselves and just keep insulting you even more.  And that's exactly what she did.  She responded with "Well, I still think you are disgusting, lady, and you don't belong having kids.  Get out of my face".

I knew I was wasting my time, so I just said "You ought to be a shamed of yourself, treating other people like that", and walked away.  

Ugh - the whole experience was just terrible, and I felt no better after I confronted her than I had after she initially insulted me.  And on top of the whole mess, I was disappointed in myself that I had allowed myself to be so rattled by a complete stranger.  What did I care what she thought?  Why did it bother me so much?

I think there are two answers to those questions.

#1)  Being a mother is so much a part of who I am.  And with all of my kids being so young, it takes up most of my time.  It's what I DO.  It's who I AM.  And we ALL have times when we think we are not doing it well enough.  We all experience those feelings of inadequacy from time to time.  So for someone to call you out and say you are horrible at it and don't deserve to even be one, it's hitting you where it really hurts.  I don't think there is any worse insult for any Mom than to be told that she is a bad Mother.

#2)  This all happened in front of my kids.  So they were hurt right along with me.  As mothers, we are our kids' heroes.  We just are.  And for the hero to get verbally smacked down, well - it's embarrassing.  That's why I went back and said something to her.  I felt like I needed to save face, not just for me, but on behalf of my upset children.  Yeah, didn't really work out so well., though.

 The whole experience just left such a black mark on what is usually one of the highlights of our week (the kids and I LOVE the farmer's market!), and it was quiet as we made our way back to the car.  Just as we reached the car, Maria kind of exploded.  "I can't believe she talked to you like that!  How could she be so mean?  She doesn't even know you!  Why did she say those things?!"  I kind of sighed, and tried to explain to her that there are people in this world who are unhappy, and that sometimes it makes them treat others badly.  I went on to tell her that I was wrong to try to confront that woman, and that I should have done as Jesus has taught and just walked away from it.  I told her that I knew that that woman was wrong, and that I am not a bad mother, and that I should have just ignored her and not let it bother me.  I went on to point out to Maria that my confronting that woman had done no good, and had only left me feeling even worse, and I that I knew that if this ever happened again (and good grief, let's hope it doesn't!), I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.  Maria nodded in agreement, and I felt better that at least I had been able to make a teaching moment out of this whole ugly experience. 

I'm sure that all of you out there have had your share of experience dealing with "less than pleasant" people.  I know that I have. 

But after BOTH of my "terrible mother" experiences, I have had to remind myself of the many wonderful experiences I have had with complete strangers: 

-The many times when people have smiled warmly at my very LOUD four children and me as we make our way through the grocery store. 

-The sweet people who come up to Tommy and fuss over how adorable he is while they tickle his feet and coo at him. 

-The multiple times that someone has stopped me to tell me what a wonderful family I have, and comment on how nicely behaved my children are (that one always stops me short - my kids?  Huh.  Who'da thought?).  the sweet ladies at the store, or at the park who tell me that they can tell that I am a great Mom, and that I have lovely children. 

-The cashier at Wegmans who told me that the employees there have a nickname for me:  "Mighty Mom", because of "how well" I wrangle my four kids at the store (sidenote:  Doesn't it always take you by surprise to find out how often people are watching you and you don't even know it?  I don't even think of our grocery trips as anything really noteworthy or impressive.  It's funny to think that other people do).  This last one was my personal favorite, because, while the incident with the lady at farmer's market left me feeling like I had been sucker-punched, the Mighty Mom nickname incident left me feeling so good inside, so lifted up in spirits, with a warm swelling in my heart that gave me a renewed desire to be a good Mom, to live up to deserve such a name.  To be the Mom that these employees thought I was.

The Mighty Mom nickname totally made me think of Mighty Mouse.  Kind of like me, right?  Small, but packs a punch? ;)

And you know what?  The positive encounters that I have had with others in public in regards to my family have far outweighed the negative ones.  By a ton.  By a freakin' landslide.  So I choose to focus on those.  I choose positivity, and when I look back on those "terrible mother" stories, I can laugh about them now, not only because of their absurdity (and they are absurd!), but also because I honestly feel pity for those women.  Like I told Maria, I truly believe that they are sad and lonely people who put others down to make themselves feel better (and if they treat everyone around them the way they treated me, I sure that they ARE very lonely!).  How sad it would be to live like that!  And thank goodness I don't have to.

As a final note - the world needs more kindness, and the positive experiences that I have had with others (the compliments, smile, etc.), have encouraged me to do that for others, too.  Because since the harsh reality is that there ARE sad and unkind people like those two women out there, we need to make sure that we are one of the ones who are balancing the scales on the other side - lifting others up and brightening their day, making them feel good about themselves, making them want to be even better.