Good Mommy, Bad Mommy

What makes a us "good" or "bad" mothers? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I feel like the answer is not something that is really black and white. I mean, when it comes to the big things, it's obvious. Bad mothers do things like let their children play with matches and run with scissors. :) Good mothers love their children, take care of them in the best way they know how. But...here is what is where it gets tricky - "in the best way they know how" - what IS the BEST way? There are so many different ways of mothering, and I think that many times we think that if someone is doing something different than us, it is wrong. Yes, I, too, am guilty of this - I think that most of us are judgemental by nature. It's part of being human. But just about the time I am congratulating myself on being an awesome Mom, I see someone else doing it better, and am humbled by some of my own shortcomings, or I lose my patience with my children for the 6th time that day and realize that I am yelling at them...again. I am constantly reminded that I am NOT a perfect mother, and maybe I never will be...

Donna Reed

I have breastfed all of my babies to at least a year, something I am very proud of, and I'm not gonna lie - it bugs me when women don't breastfeed their babies - not because they can't (which is, of course a legitimate reason), but because they just don't want to. I also pride myself on the fact that I make sure my kids eat a TON of fruits and vegetables, keep the sugar intake to a minimum, and almost NEVER eat fast food. I once saw that a friend had brought mini-marshmallows to church for her kids' snack. I couldn't believe it - how could she?!!

HOWEVER, I go ahead and feed my kids food covered in pesticides (ok, maybe not covered - I do wash them...well, most of the time...) and pumped up with horomones because I am too cheap and skeptical to buy organic produce and high priced horomone-free meat and milk. I am sure there are many mothers who think this is just as bad as not breastfeeding or stuffing your kids full of junk food.

I love cloth diapering. It is so much cheaper than disposables (even if you take into account the cost of laundering them, and yes, I've done the math), and I feel oh so proud of myself for not filling the landfills with piles and piles of icky disposables that will NEVER decompose.

HOWEVER, I do own a big ole' gas guzzling NON-hybrid minivan, and, even though we live only five blocks from Maria's school, we drive her to and from school on a regular basis - if it's too cold out (which is the case most of the school year in Syracuse...), or if we are running late (which is more often than not...). Driving a distance twice a day that could easily be walked - how very "green" of me.

June Cleaver

I pack Maria's AND Lou's lunch almost everyday. I also bake all of their birthday desserts (and all desserts, for that matter) from SCRATCH, and I love doing it. My family gets a home-cooked meal every night, and I keep the menu full of variety to keep things interesting. How very June Cleaver of me, right?

EXCEPT for the part where I just might literally kill one of my children if they mess up one of my dessert creations - seriously, I will FREAK out if they so much as touch them before it is time to eat them. Ole' Junie would never do that. And dinner frequently is served later than I planned because I constantly misjudge how long it will take to make something. Oh, and I can't sew worth a crap, either. So much for my "Susie Homemaker" award!

During good weather, I take my kids all over the place - we go hiking ALL the time in various places all over CNY, and when we go to the playgrounds, I actually play with them, instead of just reading a book on the park bench, looking up from time to time to say "oh, yeah, good job, kids", "yeah, uh huh, uh huh, that's great", etc.

HOWEVER, do I sign my kids up for all kinds of extracurricular activites/clubs so they can be exposed to a variety of activites? Psh, that is WAY too much work for me. Too much money, and too much driving around for me. I do sign them up for swimming lessons each year (that is a life skill that everyone should know) and Maria JUST started taking piano lessons, and that's as much as I'm willing to give right now. I'm sure there are many a mother who think that it is terrible that I am depriving my kids of learning dance, ballet, soccer, T-ball, gymnastics, etc. Oh well.

Mrs. Brady

I throw my kids birthday parties, and try to make them fun, complete with a dessert of their choice, games and goodie bags.

BUT you know what? We don't do amazing parties with tons of decorations or pony rides or bounce houses or clowns or anything cool like that - just simple, fun games that I come up with on my own or find on the internet. They don't get a "friend" party until they are four years old, and even then, they may invite no more friends than their age (if you are turning four, you may invite only four friends), and they only get a party every other year (my reason? Once again, time and money - aka, cheap and lazy) - aint I a Scrooge? Seriously, though, I'm sure many people think that how I do my kids' birthday is lame, and I'm okay with that.

"Mommy Dearest" (Joan Crawford)

I try to teach my children the gospel the best that I can - we go to church every Sunday, rarely miss a Family Home Evening, and do scripture study and family prayer every morning. My children know who their Heavenly Father is and that they can turn to Him. They know that they are His children and that He loves them. We have had many a precious experience with our children that have proved to us that they DO have that knowledge, and that it is an important part of their lives.

HOWEVER, lest I go around patting myself on the back, Lou and I frequently get so frustrated with our kids during these times that we are often doing things like yelling at them to be reverent (how oxymoronic is THAT?!), talking at them through gritted teeth to sit still (yeah, that's how you feel the spirit, right?) and feeling overly exasperated at their seeming indifference to what we are trying to teach them. I don't want you to get the idea that all of our FHEs and family prayers are shouting matches - they aren't, but they are often far from what you would see on the cover of the Ensign. We also do the whole secular Santa Claus thing at Christmas AND we do Easter baskets and our egg hunt on Easter Sunday, not the day before as has become the trend lately with LDS families (I think it's a nice gesture, it's just not something I'm worried about) - the SHAME!!! There are tons of Moms I know out there who do a way better job at teaching their kids the gospel than I do.

So this is me. This is the Mom that I am. I am not perfect - far from it, in fact. I'd like to think that I do a lot of things really well, get a lot of it right, but I KNOW that I do a lot of it "wrong", but maybe "wrong" is not the right word. Maybe the phrase "not as good" is a better choice. I have areas where I need to improve. I hug and kiss my children all the time and love to cuddle with them, but I have spanked them, too (yep - I'm admitting it) - not for every single disobedience, but yeah, from time to time, it's happened. I tell my children all the time that I love them, but I also yell...a lot - way more than I should. I am working on it. I can demonstrate EXTREME amounts of patience with my children...when I try. And quite often, I don't try hard enough. I am working on that, too. Everyday I pray for help to be a better mother. There are days when I feel like I fail miserably, but there are days when I succeed, too, days when I triumph over my own faulty nature and rise above my own shortcomings. I am not a bad mother because I don't buy all organics, but I am not better than someone else because I use cloth diapers, either. I am not a bad mother because I don't have my kids signed up for all kinds of enriching experiences through clubs/groups, but I am not better than someone else because I make my cakes from scratch and they use a box mix or (gasp) buy one from the grocery store. Those things are really not a big deal in the long run.

I think that, as Moms, we need to give each other a break (and give ourselves one, too!), and give each other more credit for the things that we do right and acknowledge the fact that we are all on a learning curve, and all trying to be "good mothers in the best way we know how". And that, my friends, is ALL good. :)