Josephine will be...sigh...Josephine

Such a sweet child, and yet such a trouble-maker!! I should have known from the beginning that she would be the stinker. She hated to have anyone hold her but me until she was about 8 months old, she was a terrible sleeper right from the get go, and is my picky eater (she wouldn't TOUCH meat of any kind until she was over two years old). It's a good thing she is so darn cute and so affectionate (you should see the puppy-dog eyes she makes when she says "sorry" - man, that kid is good...) - it makes it hard to stay angry at her for all the mischief she gets into! Here are a couple of stories for your amusement.

"The Escape Artist"

So, I'm taking a shower one day (Maria was at school), and Josephine was in her room listening to one of her books on CD. I get out of the shower and hear someone outside LAYING on their horn. I mean really honking it, over and over. I'm thinking, "What a jerk. Get out of your stupid car and go GET whoever you're waiting for!" The honking continues and my irritation rises. What is this person's PROBLEM?! All of a sudden I notice how quiet it is in the house and I call Josephine's name. No answer. I think "Could that be...no, no way!" Yep. I run downstairs and outside (in my towel, no less), to see Josephine in the driver's seat of the van. She is wearing nothing but a raincoat and rain boots (seriously, she was butt-naked except for those two things) reclined in the seat with her boots on the steering wheel, kicking the horn. She beeped it once more for my benefit as I opened the door and stared at her in shock. She giggles and says "Look at me, Mommy, "I got in da van ALL by myself!"

"The Hair Stylist"

Another shower story. This time Maria was home, so I felt pretty secure that Josephine would not be escaping outside. I get out of the shower and hear Josephine say: "Look, Maria, I'm cutting my hair!" WHAT?!!! I run into my room where she is and see her holding a small pair of my fabric scissors (nice and sharp - perfect) RIGHT next to her eye with this big smile on her face. "Look, Mommy, I'm a big girl, and I cut my hair, just wike Nana!". "Oh no you don't!" was my instant reply. I snatched the scissors out of her hand and breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't see any hair missing or any locks on my bed. Ahhh, for once, I had good timing. After I talked to her about the danger of scissors and not cutting our hair and all that, I added "Besides, we don't want to cut your pretty hair, now do we?". As I said this, I stroked the side of her head, and out came...you guessed it...a clump of freshly cut hair. Sigh...

"The Fisherman"

Josephine called me upstairs the other day and asked for some help in the bathroom. You see, I'm one of those goofy people who is terrified of my kids getting poop on their hands and so I don't let them wipe themselves until they are 4 years old. Anyhow, so I go upstairs to do my motherly duty and see a very distraught looking Josephine sitting on the toilet. "Mommy, my fishy is in the poop!" Josephine has quite the imagination, so I though this "fish" was an imaginary one. I went to wipe her and lo and behold, there is her blue rubber fish, sitting in a most unfortunate spot in the toilet. Ewww. "Get it out, Mommy, get it out!!", she is pleading. Okay, so option #1 - flush it and hope it goes down and doesn't over flow the toilet and cause a massive plumbing problem. Option #2 - get it out. I'm not liking either option, but #1 threatens to be a lot worse if it goes wrong, which I'm guessing it will. So, how do I get it out? Use a spoon or tongs (which I will then NEVER be able to use for food again, no matter how much I clean them...), or my hands - ICK!! I'm not going to tell you how I got it out - I will let you guess. Needless to say, it was one of the grosser moments of my experience as a mother. What would you have done?

"The Eliminater"

This child has, on more than one occasion, tried to stuff an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet. One time she rolled it in from the dispenser little by little, and another time she actually tried to shove the whole thing down there right out of the bag. "It won't go down, Mommy. I keep fwushing and it just won't go down!" Really? You don't say.

Yesterday, I came upstairs after I was done cleaning lunch and found her squeezing the last of the hand soap I had JUST bought into the bathroom sink. When I asked her why she would do such a thing, she replied innocently "I was just getting rid of ALL da soap so dat Mawia (this is how she pronounces "Maria") wouldn't pway wif it! Did I help, Mommy?" No, Josephine. No, you didn't...

Last night I found her squeezing my husbands entire bottle of contact solution into the bath water. "Mommy, I was just twying to make bubbles!" She didn't get any bubbles out of the deal, by the way - just a punishment for wasting Daddy's stuff.

"The Electrician"

I had just finished the breakfast dishes this morning and went upstairs to do the whole morning routine with the girls - you know - brush the teeth, get dressed, etc. As I get to the top of the stairs, I hear Josephine saying "Just a little more twist, then push it in a little further, and there - just like Daddy does!" I thought "Oh, how cute, she is pretending to be Lou", until I see what she is doing. I stop in horror as I see her shoving a screwdriver into an electrical outlet!! "Josephine, NO!" I scream as I run over to a now very frightened 3-year-old. I push her out of the way and yank the tool out of the outlet, with visions of a crispy-fried child lying on the floor having convulsions. "Mommy, I was just fixing it, wike Daddy!", Josephine protests. Now, lest you think I am an irresponsible parent, we have outlet covers on all the outlets all over the rest of the house. The is the room we are getting ready for the baby, and Lou had just repaired this one, and hadn't covered it up yet. Josephine and I had the whole "no touching the outlets, EVER" talk, and as she walked away, completely oblivious to the danger she had just been exposed to, I shook my head and had to wonder how my children have survived this long... :)